Can I get a witness? Why we need each other.

A mom friend recently said to me that she needed more time with other moms. She said, “I need some witnessing for what it’s like.” Her words struck a chord. I feel that need too. I also know that neurobiologically it is how humans are set up. Humans need to be seen and to have connection with others. From the moment we come into the world, our system is seeking connection. Initially, our survival depends on our being cared for, and as we grow and become more independent, we still operate best in connection with others.

Social Baseline Theory from James Coan shows us that humans operate better when they are in connection with others. For instance, he presented people with a challenging task They asked participants to rate the task’s difficulty under three circumstances—the first, if they were alone. The second, if they were with someone they didn’t know. The third, if they were with someone they knew well. People rated the same task as easier with someone else and easiest of all when they were with someone they knew well. This is because our bodies and brains are most regulated (calm and capable) when we are in connection with those we feel close to and trust.

Coan and his collaborators found that when with others, their subjects’ amygdalas fired less. The amygdala is your brain's alarm system - when it senses danger, it sends signals to other parts of your brain to get you ready to protect yourself or run away. During the study, people felt safer when with others—even when the other person wasn’t someone they knew well. So, what we can take from this is that connection with other people helps us to function better. In other words, the human brain expects to be in social relationships AND that the presence of relationship reduces the amount of effort needed and the amount seeming risk.

Which makes sense right? We are social creatures. Our natural habitat is other humans. And when the amygdala is calm, we are better able to think, plan, decide, act morally, and connect with others.

As natural as connection is for humans, for many people who had traumatic early experiences, it can be difficult to seek the connection we yearn for. We can get stuck protecting ourselves and become so “safe” behind our walls, that we are isolated. No one really knows the authentic person inside.

The good news is that our brain is always capable of change. Therapy can help to heal relational wounds and create some of these types of connections. We can begin to develop safety and get the witnessing we deserve.

Do you long for companionship on your life journey? Perhaps you are a parent, like my friend, and just want for someone to nod their head knowingly or laugh a great guffaw when you talk about what happened at bedtime last night or this morning over breakfast? Or maybe you’re still sorting through a life change, a former relationship, a new dream you are pursuing and want to feel like someone sees and understands what it feels like to be you. Let’s create this kind of community together.